


Letting Go

by nofilternotsorry



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-27 00:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/971998
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nofilternotsorry/pseuds/nofilternotsorry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever since her brother died, Katniss has been grieving to loss by envying Peeta Mellark. You see, he got to keep his brother that night. Now, six years later, the Everdeens and Mellarks are vacation neighbors. How will the two teenagers handle the summer where they are forced together? Mondern-AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first piece of fanfiction that I've ever shared. Let me know what you think. This originally started as a crazy long one-shot, but I felt as if it was too long for Prompts in Panem. I'm considering rewriting it as a series following Katniss and Peeta through the summer, with possible college out-takes.

It’s like time is standing still. I can feel the chill of the water seeping through my clothes, through my skin, and into my bones. The weight of the water on my dress is heavy, my hair is flowing out around me, and for this one moment of stillness, I keep my eyes closed and listen to that rush of water in my ears as the pressure builds. It’s so much more peaceful under the waves than it is battling them from above. I have to force myself to be aware of the fact that I can feel the water moving around me. Then, just as my body is registering how truly frigid the water is, almost as quickly as he pushed me under, he’s pulling me back to the surface and dragging me closer to the sand. I barely have time to gasp and blink my eyes open, trying to eliminate the burn of the salt water in my nose and eyes. I couldn’t have been under the water for more than a few seconds, but it very-well could have been hours, days even, for the amount of perspective I’ve gained. We’re getting to the edge of the water, where the pull of the tide on your feet makes it harder to walk in, especially with all of those little broken bits of shells beneath your toes. My dress is clinging to me, so heavy that I’m surprised its strapless neckline hasn’t allowed it to fall off. My hair is a knotted mess, clinging to my face and parting into wet dreads that will be hell to comb out later.

He forces me to sit, just where the tide kisses the beach, before he sits down next to me. This is the first time I really look at him tonight. He probably looked so handsome earlier; grey shorts, black button down, with the sleeves rolled, left open to reveal the blue striped shirt that matches his eyes. Now it’s dark with the water and clings to him the way my clothes cling to me. The way I want to cling to him. But then he starts talking.

“Did that calm you down any? Or are you going to keep barking out bullshit?” He’s not looking at me. He sounds almost defeated. He’s just looking out at the ocean, knees bent up with his arms resting on them. He sighs as he brings his right hand up to rub the back of his neck. “Are you even going to answer me Katniss?”

“I don’t know what to say.” And then he looks at me; makes eye contact. For the first time in my life, despite my size, I feel small.

“Well, you sure had a lot to say just a few minutes ago.” He won’t take his eyes off of me. They’re challenging me in so many ways

“I know, Peeta. I’m sorry.” It’s hard for me to process how weak my voice sounds. There’s a slight tremble to it that only partially comes from how cold I am.

“You’re sorry?” I think he’s mad. “You just spent nearly 15 minutes telling me how much you hate me and my family, because my brother is alive and yours’ isn’t. It’s been six years, Katniss. I know you still miss Buck, but so does Bannock. He’s still in therapy, blaming himself for what happened. It was a sheet of black ice on the road. He wasn’t speeding or goofing off. It’s not his fault that the car hit the guard rail and flipped. And it’s not his fault that he was the only survivor. Do you have any idea how much he wishes that he had died that night? Do you have any idea how many times he tried to kill himself that first year? Seven times, Katniss; seven times we rushed him to the hospital for stitches, to get his stomach pumped, to have him hooked to a ventilator after pulling him out from under the bathwater. Do you have any idea how that affected me and my family? I know that you’re hurting because Buck died, you probably always will in some way. But you’re selfish if you think that you’re the only one who was damaged that night.” By the time he ends his tirade, I can tell that he’s more disappointed in me than anything.

“I- I didn’t know. I guess ‘hate’ was the wrong word to use. I was jealous that you got to keep your brother and I didn’t. It didn’t seem fair to me. It-”

“What kind of heartless, envious, bitch are you? Now you’re telling me that you wouldn’t hate me so much if my brother was dead too.” He’s livid. But, then again, he has every right to be. He’s seeing me for who I really am. I, however, have the right to me mad too. With those three words: ‘heartless, envious, bitch’- I feel my normal spark return.

“I would never wish that upon anyone. You should know that.”

“I should know that? Really? Because you just said otherwise.”

“Don’t you dare put words into my mouth, Peeta Mellark. I’m not good enough with them as it is, and I don’t need you making things worse.” I stand now, facing him, gasping, panting with my frustration. He mimics my position.

“I’m pretty sure that you do a good enough job of making things worse on your own.” And now he’s trying to walk past me, back towards our families’ beach houses. “Goodnight, Katniss.”

Normally, I would let him go. I would let anyone go after a sting like that. But for some reason, I can’t stand the thought of him walking away from me. “No.” My voice is firm, and I grab his wrist trying to stop him. But he pulls away from me and turns around to make eye contact again. The moonlight is making the green and gold flecks in his eyes stand out more than normal. I can just make out a light freckling across his face from all of the sun we’ve been exposed to in the past month. We just stare at each other, a battle of wills. I can see the defeat enter his eyes just before he closes his eyes with a heavy sigh.

“What do you want from me Katniss?”

“I don’t know. But can I at least try to properly explain myself while I try to figure it out?” I don’t know why my voice is so challenging. It’s like I can’t seem to calm myself down. He doesn’t even answer me; just flicks his wrist in a way that I take to mean, ‘go ahead.’

“You have to realize that I was eleven-years-old when Buck died.” This should be so much harder to get out. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this before; not even Daddy or Prim. “My mother shut down. My father had to take care of her and the arrangements. After everything was over, they both threw themselves into work to cope. I had to take care of Prim. Tonight was the first time I’ve cried since the police officer came to tell us that my brother was dead.” The water from the ocean has dried on my face, leaving my skin feeling tight from the salt. But I know that I’m crying again when I feel a tear slide down my face, taking a line of the salt with it. “When you hugged me at the funeral, it was the first time that I felt like someone was there to take care of me. But then I started thinking about where we were, and what had happened. And all I could think was that I didn’t want your pity. So I-“

“Katniss, I have never-“

“No, Peeta, let me finish.” I take a deep breath before I continue, and realize that I’ve been wringing my hands in front of me this whole time. “I didn’t want your pity. I still don’t. So, I ran. I couldn’t handle the thought of the boy I liked, showing affection for the first time, because he pitied me.” This is where I can’t handle looking at him anymore, so I divert my eyes to the sand. But he cuts me off before I can continue.

“Now you hold on, for just one minute. That was far from the first time I showed you affection, and you know it.”

“No, Peeta. I don’t know it. You were just the boy who came to my house on Thursdays with your big brother. Bannock and Buck would go do, whatever it is that they did, and you and I would do homework together. You helped me with English, I helped you with Science. It was give and take. It had a purpose. And every week, I would try to get the courage to tell you that I liked you, and every week I would chicken out.”

“Katniss,” he whispers my name like a prayer. I can see his feet line up in front of me before he’s lifting my chin with his index finger. “Look at me. Please.” My breath hitches when I see the way he’s looking at me. But I don’t know why. It’s not any different that all of the other times throughout the years, only now it’s more intense. “Did you know that us being involved in their Thursdays was because of me? I begged my brother to let me come with him. And then, when they figured out that I was lying about us being project partners, I had to explain to your brother that I had this huge crush on you. He promptly told me that I would “never be good enough” for you, but if I wanted to try, it was my grave.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say, so I become my awkward self again. “Can I finish now?” He nods his head, but won’t let me break eye contact. “I need you to understand that I am a selfish bitch.”

“No-“

“Yes, Peeta. I am. I’m also so completely jealous that you got to keep your big brother and I didn’t. I hate myself for feeling this way, and I know that it’s wrong. But I hate that Bannock got to graduate High School, go to Prom, to College. Graduate from College. Now he’s engaged. Buck should have been there with him. Getting to do all of those things too.” At this point I’m blubbering. I can’t control the tears, and I’m not sure if he can even understand anything that I’m saying. “I should have to hate whatever girl he would have decided to marry because she would have never been good enough. I should have gotten to tease him for wearing a tux on Prom night. I should have family pictures, with him in a Cap and Gown. I shouldn’t have had to give up the one person who would be there to comfort me when it storms. He would hold me until I fell asleep on those nights; telling me that he would keep me safe. And then the night he died, it was the worst snow storm we’d had in so long. I just laid there, shaking, crying, and not knowing what to do.”

I can tell that he wants to say something. So I just shake my head to tell him ‘no,’ I’m not ready to hear his words yet. And he waits while I get my words together, while I try to control my breathing. Finally, my tears start to slow down a little, but the heaviness is still in my throat when I continue. “So, you see, by the time the funeral came around the next week, I had started to build this was wall. I wasn’t going to feel. I wasn’t going to cry. I was going to be strong for everyone. And then you showed up with your family. And you didn’t just hug me, Peeta. You held me, and for the first time since Buck had died, I felt safe. That terrified me, Peeta. You have no idea. It had been less than a week and you knocked down that whole wall with one touch. So, the first thought I let myself acknowledge was this fear that you were pitying me, because you had your brother and I didn’t; that you didn’t like me, but were instead saying goodbye to those Thursday afternoons. So I let myself grieve by blaming your brother, your family, for taking Buck away from me. I let myself hate you, and be jealous of you, because I couldn’t have a crush on you. I couldn’t like the boy, who only pitied be, the boy who’s own brother did nothing but remind me of mine. I couldn’t like the boy stopped showing up on Thursdays, because I took that as a sign that we were never really friends; that you only came because your brother made you.” At this point I peel the skirt of my dress off of my legs and hold it out, realizing how ironic it is. “Green with envy. Maybe that’s why it’s my favorite color.”

“Are you done now?’ He asks after a few moments. At this point he drops both of his hands to mine, forcing me to let go of my dress, and uses this new connection pull me closer, our arms bent in between us. “You, Katniss Everdeen, are so much more than you give yourself credit for. If we’re being honest, the ironic thing is that I dunked you into freezing water; you know, the punishment for being envious.” Now he’s stroking the back of my hands with his thumbs, and I don’t quite understand this fire that’s building inside of me. It’s so new, and I don’t know what it means. All I know is that I don’t want Peeta to let go. I don’t want him to leave.

”So, you understand?

“Oh, no. Not completely. I doubt I will ever understand the way that your mind works. But I have a better idea. And I hate myself for not finding a way to come to you on Thursdays. I didn’t know you wanted me there after you ran away. I’m sorry.”

“Peeta, you have nothing to be sorry for. I was a silly little girl with a crush. It doesn’t matter now. I’ve gotten over it.”

“Well, I’d rather hope that you haven’t.” Now I’m confused. Going off of his small laugh, I guess he can see it on my face. “I have been hopelessly, head-over-heels for you, since we were five years old. And if you have no objections, I’m going to kiss you now.” Peeta waits a few moments, trying to read my face, looking for any signs of rejections. When he finds none, this slow smile comes over his face as he starts to lean in. Just as both of our eyes close, just before our lips touch, my nerves get the best of me.

“Wait.” It’s just a murmur, really, but wait he does. Our eyes flash open, and our gazes lock. We freeze in that position, out breathes ghosting over each other’s lips. The body heat sending chills down my spine. “I’ve never- I’ve never done this before. I don’t want to be bad at it.”

I can see the smile in his eyes when he says, “This will be my first fantasy realized. As far as I’m concerned, you’re already perfect.” And then he’s kissing me. It’s simple, closed-mouths, and shouldn’t be overwhelming at all, but it is. The soft, yet firm, pressure of his lips molding to mine for those few seconds lights my body on fire. It’s not until we pull away that I realize I was standing on tip-toe, and he was leaning down, both of us angling our heads to one another. We’re both grinning. “I have every intent of kissing you, at every opportunity, for as long as you’ll let me.”

“Okay.”

“So, you’ll allow it then? I don’t have to keep asking permission?”

“I think I’d be more upset if you didn’t.” It’s not until I say it that I realize it’s the truth. I have no intention of letting this boy away from me. But just like that, our lips are touching again. He’s dropped my hands, and has both of his wrapped firmly around me: one splayed on the small of my back, the other holding my jaw. I respond in turn, by reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck, and our kiss deepens. We explore each other. Lips moving, opening to each other. I can’t tell if it’s a gasp or a moan that I let out when he gently nips at my lower lip; I do know that my whole body melts into him in that moment, just before I feel his tongue gently licking its way into my mouth.

I don’t know how long we stand there, hands roaming, tongues caressing, before it ends. But it ends to soon with the sound of our families coming out onto the large deck of the Mellark’s beach house and Peeta’s brother shouting out, “Get some, bro.” Out lips separate, faces turning to the disturbance, but we still cling to each other. Both of us are blushing, but it finds a way to get worse.

“Peeta, my boy, I don’t want you to get me wrong. I like you. But if I have to see you pawing at my daughter like that again, I will not hesitate to hunt you down with by bow. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir.” He tries to separate from me, but I don’t let him. Instead I give him a gentle peck on the cheek, not sure where this boldness is coming from.

“Well, then. We just won’t let him see, now will we?” I whisper to Peeta before yelling out, “Now, Daddy. You leave him alone.” With that, everyone on the deck is laughing at us as Peeta disentangles our bodies. He leads me up to everyone else, refusing to let me go. Both of us smiling. We have things to talk about, things to figure out. But I think we can do it together. He can help me tame this green beast inside of me, we can discover each other together. Let our families tease

_________________________________________________________

5 Years Later

The rest of that summer was amazing, if you don’t count the constant teasing. I was right when I said that Peeta would help me. It took a long time, but I was finally able to get through it. We treated it like you would rage: stimulus focus. At least, that’s what Bannock called it. Peeta saved me with his kisses, the gentle tug of our hands laced together, and with so much more. Those summers at the beach became an annual thing for both of our families. And that’s why we’re all here 5 years later.

There’s some more celebration to it this year. Prim just graduated from High School and is getting ready to head off to The University of Cincinnati. And of course, that’s where Peeta and I just graduated with our degrees. Everyone is so content. It’s almost like we’re all this big happy family. And no one thinks I know, but last night I overheard Peeta asking my father for permission to propose. It was hard to cover my laugh when my father replied, “Do you honestly think my girl wouldn’t shoot me with an arrow if I told you no?”

Here I am getting ready. Peeta said something about a nice dinner with our families and then some alone time on the beach. He’s probably planning on popping the question tonight. And I’m just hoping that we can get that far. You see, I’m don’t know how my Daddy will react when I announce that there’s going to be a baby in 7 months.


End file.
